25/26 Week 1 Recap: Dawn of a New Day
25/26 Week 1 Recap
Hello my horrid children. As much as I wanted to completely be done with doing things for yall, im 3 beers deep on a Tuesday night so figured id give a writeup a shot to flex the muscle. Surprised it took me 9 years to break from some of yall being assholes. But just cause I hate you doesnt mean I dont also love you all for some stupid fucking reason. I think me taking a step back (because im the most emotional and likely one of the most insane ones of us) is good for my mental health. And hopefully everyone learned a lesson and I hope that you will all treat our new commissioner Cammarn with some modicum of respect. Doubt it but a guy can dream. That being said, I will be taking more of a quality control role to make sure everything runs smoothly even if we keep changing commissioner, but Cammarn is your Emperor now. And am officially dubbing Jackson as the new problem child.
Now on to football! I was so excited and now I already hate fantasy and the Giants again. But most of us probably hate fantasy as -4 position players that were started had good games. And we had to listen to Chris Collinsworth stimming like a coked out Wilson for an hour rain delay on opening night. Pain is cool again, we're so fucking back. Know y'all love listening to me ramble, but lets mozy to the matchups shall we?
Just fucking kidding, one more PSA. Lets all welcome Chrimmy McConhole back to the league. May all of your players break their bussy's.
I Hate it Here Vol.1 (102.04) v Dr. Omalu's Future Patients (94.78)
Did every game get decided on Sunday or Monday night? Both of our teams were mostly dumpster fires other than d/st, reminding us how important and devastating a choice can be in those spots. But also holy fucking shit did my #1 pick bring me back on Sunday night after a day of trash from all of my position players. Derrick Henry might have single handedly delivered me the win, but lets not act like it was stolen. Other than tuddies for his top 2 rb's, the only person who wanted to deliver Jake the win was Hurts. But he forgot he has wide receviers, maybe a couple of more passing yards could have helped Jake close the gap.
Taco Libre of Tallahassee (89.22) v Picken's Up Dobby's Tab (79.08)
Trevor's name is...quite the reach. Speaking of reaches, we can look at his entire team of players that had big dreams and projected scores. But they came up horribly short other than Baker, his defense and kicker couldnt save him and George Kittle is dead now. With another 19 from Deebo on his bench, Trev pickens up a deserved loss. Chrimmy didn't do too much better but had enough double digit scorers to send him to an opening dub. Broncos defense had 22 so at least he's learning the ins and outs of the league already.
Stairway to Evans (136.76) v Winner's Bracket Champ (107.68)
Holy shit is Schmaus back? Most of his players had a decent showing for how shit the week was in general, but got a whopping 65+ from Josh Allen and Zay on Sunday night. Meg didn't necessarily have a bad showing, just couldnt get across the finish line as Schmaus caught up to him, bent over a barrel as Schmaus showed him the 50 states. Also feel like this is pretty deserved considering Tron's name, havent you never won and only made the playoffs once?
If You Aint First, You're Last (101.66) v Chubba Worthy Roster (100.92)
Lmao Cairo Santos. Rob won this game on a missed field goal essentially, but Marty wasnt done any favors as Kelce was mad Worthy was getting targets so took him out. He just got engaged all the spotlight should be on him. Had decent showings from the rest of the team but Rob proved to be a master strategist. 0 Qb 0 RB is the new norm, get used to it boys. But honestly probably one of the more mediocre wins we've seen over the years.
Carvin My Marvin (96.66) v Gordon's Little Beauties (92.82)
God all these matchups were trash this week. Who would've thought Lamar would deliver Camm to victory after the stinker the AJ Brown put up? Add in Javonte on his bench and it wasnt looking good for Camm until Sunday night. Gordo can feel a little annoyed that he didnt come away with the win, its almost like he blew it just like the Ravens. But you're never safe in this league until you break 100. Even with a great game from Mahomes, Camm's kicker diff with Boswell might've saved him in the end.
3 Kids 1 Nut (111.52) v Smith-Njiggle My Balls (91.12)
Dobby's team is ass and him annually being up for hotdogs warms my heart so. Trevyon and Jerome Ford are not gonna take this team to the promised land. On paper his team looks worse than they performed, but hard to have alot of hope with that squad. Especially when you're going against the baby oracles that are Payton's triplets. See they were the ones that told him to draft Egbuka di Beppo and Cam Little, which were beautiful compliments to Bijan's 23. The Bowers injury and Trebby Law Law at QB doesnt make me horny for the future of Payton's team, but he was at least able to pull off a win against Dobby with a hand tied behind his back.
Power Rangers Rankings
This week we're overreacting to every team's week 1 performance.
1. Stairway to Evans (Schmaus) - From Dogs to the Dawg, he's looking like the team to beat. He has Josh Allen.
2. 3 Kids, 1 Nut (Payton) - Having Oracles is bullshit, but think he might parlay that into a playoff berth.
3. I Hate it Here Vol.1 (Kamesh) - I have Derrick Henry.
4. Carvin My Marvin (Camm) - He has Lamar Jackson.
5. If You Aint First, You're Last (Rob) - WRU, 0QB, 0RB is the new norm.
6. Taco Libre of Tallahassee (Chris) - Opening week win on his return has McConhole feeling nicey.
7. Gordon's Little Beauties (Gordo) - Shouldn't Panic after week 1.
8. Winner's Bracket Champ (Meg) - The New York Jets, which might not be a bad thing for fantasy this season.
9. Chubba Worthy Roster (Marty) - Should probably panic after week 1 with Worthy and London picking up knocks.
10. Dr. Omalu's Future Patients (Jackson) - Sell Nico Collins if you want to make it back to the playoffs, yikes.
11. Picken's up Dobby's Tab (Trevor) - Lil Bro Ass.
12. Smith-Njiggle My Balls (Jac) - Littler Bro even more ass.
New look this year but the league endures. Phoenix was probably one of the better hotdog weekends we've had with our best performance to date (9 beers and 7 3/4 dogs for Schmaus). He's the fucking werewolf. Things move as normal with the only change is that your comissioner is a more likely to collude now so here to provide Quality Control as previously mentioned. Welcome back to another year, can't wait to still be furious at everyone for acting like children. Time is a flat circle. Fuck you all and for the first time in writing.....I Hate it Here (Vol.1).
PS. ESPN wouldn't let me change my name to Fuck this League.
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