25/26 Week 5 Recap

My wide receivers are dead. DEAD. Its been a wild few weeks. Trade talks are flying around cause injuries have made it clear that there is no clear frontrunner this year. Allegations of cheating and collusion being thrown down like a hammer, a shadow commissioner dropping players for fun grasping at power he used to have, a commissioner with no rulings or care for control of the reins, the league is in chaos like its never been. Jokes aside (yes jokes, Camm is doing a fine job and you all know I would never actually cheat), shits wild in both real and fantasy life. I still dont understand whats going on with Trevor and Dobby's trades but we can yell at each other about that in the chat. There might not be a clear cut favorite, but there is a thrilling race for dogs this year, Meg and Jackson feel a little safer, but Dobby is hot on their heels trying to trade anything and anyone to achieve relevancy. I don't think its working but still. I'll stop rambling. Lets get to last weeks matchups. 

3 Kids 1 Nut (106.36) v I Hate it Here Vol.1 (87.4)

Everyone of my bench sans my backup qb was on a bye, but still yikes. You better believe Payton tried to trade-r*** me after this performance. Had decent performances from a few of my players but the Giants D and fill in Malike Washington really fucked me with a goosegg and 2 points respectively. Meanwhile Stafford and Egbuka di Beppo really crushed with 25+ each. Might be a little dicey going forward with two of his top picks going down or sucking cause his quarterback is ass (looking at you Geno Smith), but Payton kicked a weak team when they were down on the perfect week. 

Giants and my Fantasy team, we're so back

Carvin' My Marvin (128.18) v Bad Day in the Naberhood (124.86)

Our barn burner of the week, most of the players on these teams really popped off. Qb's were the highest scorers in this matchup between Baker's 26 and waiver-wire pickup Dak going off for 28. If only this were superflex. Camm had good games from his running backs and other cowboys as well. His receivers are ass and his defense getting -2 didnt do him any favors. But noone else on trevor's team could come close to putting up what Camm's stars did. Camm is riding high and ready for another post-season collapse. 

Prolly not surprising that half the memes on my phone are Giants related

Dr. Omalu's Future Patients (111.94) v Taco Libre of Tallahassee (94.32)

And Jackson pulls off his first win! Big games from most of his position players (except for his starting rbs) gave his team enough overall value on the week to slighly pull himself ahead (or behind?, idk) in the hotdog race. Overall value is the key theme here cause even though Christmas got huge games from Jonathan Taylor and Goff, the rest of his team were downed with a whimper this week. Injuries aside, Chrimmy has to worry about whether his team is good enough for the long haul. For Jake, he can rest easy at least until this Sunday.

His team might be ass but Jackson can smile this week at least

Giving Swift my Little Zenky (120.32) v Butker saved my season (110.92)

In a wild turn of events, Meg's team finally did what we thought they were gonna do this week. Huge fantasy games from Jamarr and his Jets and Cook falling back down to earth resulting in Tron's first win of the season. He was a little scared when his kicker went down on Sunday, and was still scared when the chiefs were set up for a worthy hail mary on the last play on Monday night. But Marty played the wrong quarterback (he has 3). Marty should feel a little annoyed though, his team had a solid week and now he is left wondering if he should bring back the Fupa party to save his season. Kind of want him to eat dogs though so he actually hangs out with us. Marty likes all the younger brothers better than the ones he was in the trenches with, I said it.

Meg in his custom Jet's threads after his first win (yes, this is a real adidas line for animals)

Stairway to Evans (102.32) v Smith-Njiggle My Balls (97.8)

Our only undefeated team beat our only defeated one, nature is healing. Shmaus was one bye week hell bit still managed to pull off the win that we all hoped he would, with Josh Allen, Amon-Ra and fucking Kaimi Fairbarn were able to get him over the line. Dobby traded for a new rb core and it was gross to the tune of 11.5 combined from KW3 and Woody Marks who still isnt the starter in Houston. Smith Njigba cant save you alone Dobby, who grundles back to his hotdog cave to cook up more terrible trades.

Live look at Dobby cooking up bad trades for himself

Gordon's Little Beauties (145.72) v Assistant Shadow Commissioner (110.54)

Damn Robby should feel like shit. He had a decent performance from his team, Darnold putting up 28 to lead them all. But holy shit Gordo, I thought Rico Dowdle was a good pickup But Mahomes carrying his team to a loss and Kyren finally popping off led him to the highest score of the season ( I think, dont quote me on that). Even with negative from his defense. Just the luck of the draw Rob, you ran into an angry Gordo in the woods.

Robby just couldnt outrun Gordo

Power Rankings

This week were looking at worst picks for each team as we mozy towards mid-season.

1. Stairway to Evans (Schmaus, 5-0)

Bucky Irving- Bucky hasnt been bad per se, but for how high he was drafted and the stellar performances from the rest of this team, you have to wonder how much scarier it would be if Bucky was performing.

2. Gordon's Little Beauties (Gordo, 4-1)

Keon Coleman- It hurts to talk shit about our Nole but he was drafted in the mid rounds with the thought that he would actually contribute this year. Unfortunately, past week 1, he has been underwhelming as hell.

3. Carvin' My Marvin (Camm, 4-1)

Aj Brown- Lil bro ass.

4. 3 Kids, 1 Nut (Payton, 4-1)

Brock Bowers- Geno Smith is ass so that mean Brock is ass.

5. Assistant Shadow Comissioner (Robby, 3-2)

Ceedee Lamb- Purely based on availability.

6. Taco Libre of Tallahassee (Chrimmy, 3-2)

Dj Moore- Rome wasnt built in a day, it was built in a year as Odunze took Dj's WR1 job in Chicago.

7. Bad Day in the Naberhood (Trevor, 2-3)

Malik Nabers- I DONT WANNA TALK ABOUT IT.

8. I Hate it Here Vol.1 (Kamesh, 2-3)

Derrick Henry-Outside of week 1, the King is dead.

9. Giving Swift my Little Zenky (Meg, 1-4)

Jamarr Chase- Had his first good game last week, yikes for the #1 overall pick.

10. Butker Saved My Szn (marty, 1-4)

Brian Thomas - Had a good game on Monday but he looks like butt otherwise.

11. Dr. Omalu's Future Patients (Jake, 1-4)

Alvin Kamara-Think he's finally just old, or the Saints are just always down so he cant score.

12. 50 miles of shit

Fantasy Gods-How could you do this to us?

13. Smith Njiggle My Balls (Jac, 0-5)

Chase Brown/Trevyon Henderson- Neither of his running back picks are working out. Nothing is working out.

Writeups will probably come with this kind of frequency going forward, just dont have the time these days. Will be interesting to see if more fuckery from the fantasy gods is afoot, maybe we have a dark horse coming for the top dogs? Maybe the hot dog race is closer than we all realize, and one misstep can mean the difference between bullying someone while they eat dogs instead of forcing them down the gullet ourselves. Trade Deadline is on 11/28, maybe we can all work together to stabilize our shitty teams. In the meantime fuck you all, I hate it here (Vol.1).

Week 6 Matchups

Kam vs Rob (Big/Little Rivalry game)

Trevor v Dobby (codependency rivalry game)

Chrimmy v Camm (Frosted Tip Bowl(cause they both went blond, idk, they came up with it cause I couldnt come up with anything(I should have just left it blank, help)))

Jake v Meg (Not quite the hotdog bowl)

Martin v Payton (Big Little rivalry game #2)

Schmaus v Gordo (Battle of the Titans)