26/27 Week 1 Recap
25/26 Week 1 Recap
Hi, hello, and most of all howdy. Shadow Commish Mesh here to welcome all you old fucks back to another year of the best and worst thing we all do yearly. I would say the best and worst thing we do together but its the only thing we do together, thankful that pain, misery, and hotdogs are able to keep us together. That and maybe the image of Dobby perpetually eating hotdogs cause he took Brandon Aubrey in the third round. He actually did pretty damn good, almost completed the challenge. And then gave up with just half a dog to go, fumbling at the opponents 1 yard line. Shame Donby, but good performance. And he gets a pass cause Trevor found that half a hot dog in his pocket 4 hours later at the blackjack table. But I digress, lets get to the football talk. And the only thing to know is BIG BLUE IS BACK BABY (we play the rams next week, help).
Matchups
Dr. Omalu's Future Patients (101.46) v I Hate it Here Vol.1 (87.1)
Not a hot start for my team as I literally only got touchdowns on Sunday night from Skat and Ceedee, but the real kicker is my goosegg from Pitts and Likely going off on my bench. But I'll only turn in my sleep a little bit because as a giants fan I guarantee you he would've gotten a goosegg if I started him. But yeah outside of the niners my team played like azz. Not the hottest start from Jackson when you look at scores around the league, but hey he did just enough to get through with a dub with Taylor, Bucky, and Nico going off for 23, 16, and 17 respectively.
Garcinia Cambogia (134.86) v Dobby Parton's Final Glizzy (75.96)
Christmas drafted a team that looked like it might have some fading starts but Henry and Jefferson delivered with 35 and 27. And Josh Allen went fucking crazy week 1 and did everything. Pretty mediocre performances otherwise for the rest of his team but didnt matter cause Trevor's team thought it was still the preseason. Similar to me his team didnt get shit for touchdowns, no need to panic yet but there is some cause for concern if his wideout room doesnt get going in a hurry.
Stairway to Evans (139.56) v Dobby to the Glizzyland (107.52)
Schmaus was onother one of those with a crazy week but spread out with 20+ from Mahomes, Bijan, Monty, and McBride. His starting wideouts chocked a bit and AJ Brown is dead but if this week proves anything it means that his team can still compete sans WRs. Thats kinda scary. Meanwhile the self proclaimed Champion of preseason didn't have his team backup his shittalk, with huge games from Hurts DJ Moore, and Breece not enough to compensate for the rest of his team.
Dobby Loves my Conkey (117.1) v Assistant Shadow Commish (95.72)
Marty, please start using ChatGPT to help you come up with team names cause yours are always bad. Anyway 0 RB wasn't a good look for Rob week 1, even if JSN and Olave went nuclear. Rest of his team couldn't keep pace except for Cam Little, but still had a chance against Marty for a bit. Marty should feel great seeing his team perform decently even with bad games from some of his best players. He'll hope that his team can sustain this wave even when his stars start to show out. And Rob will hope that that the NFL does what they do best and lets Josh Jacobs off with a slap on the wrist after heinous crimes. And that Brock comes back after his 'trim' cause that was fucking nuts.
Release the Shubert Files (131.86) Richard Dawg's 9 Dog Demise (120.76)
The people have taken the first step to finding what Dobby really did on that island. Camm started his crusade for the truth with big performances from Gibbs, and Javonte, and first half Zay had stellar performances, the rest of his team put up decent numbers too. Gordon should feel proud of his teams performance, but no win means no fucking sprinkles. His team came close though, massive performances from Lamar, Goedert, and the Pittsburgh D however, was not enough to propel him to 1-0.
3 Kids 1 Nut (193.36) v Smith N-Chiggle my Balls (129.2)
Jesus Christ we're in the worst timeline, payton had two people get less than 5 but still almost crossed 200. 30+ from Caleb, jeanty, Watson, and Swift to go with another 20 from Amon-Ra. Fucking yikes. But I think we can all agree that if he had to stomp on anyone we are all glad is the reigning hotdog kind Doberto. 7th round pick Brandon Aubrey got 1 point. Other than that he got decent games from Dart and KW3 but alot of mediocrity otherwise.
Power Rankings Rangers
Week 1 rankings are always crazy overreactions, so in that spirit I'm fucking overreacting.
1. 3 Kids, 1 Nut, 1-0 (Payton)
He almost scored 200, he can have the first spot this week.
2. Release the Shubert Files, 1-0 (Camm)
We all know he can't win the big one doe.
3. Garcinia Cambogia, 1-0 (Chri)
Fantasy team of the season 2024 have come to play.
4. Richard Dawgs 9 Dog Demis 0-1, (Gordo)
His RB2 situation is murky and London and Not So Scary Terry are ass. But the rest of his team should show up through the rest of the season.
5. Dobby Loves my Conkey, 1-0 (Marty)
Good team performance even though his stars werent shining, not the worst win to come away with.
6. Stairway to Evans, 1-0 (Schmaus)
Can his team survive Aj Browns death?
7. Dobby to the Glizzyland, 0-1 (Meg)
Scoring potential is there so lets see if he can climb the mountain to a second playoff berth ever.
8. Dr. Omalu's Future Patients, 1-0 (Jackson)
He's cheating on Langley with Nico Collins im sure of it.
9. I Hate it Here Vol.1, 0-1 (Mesh)
I'm going to kill myself and mention James Cook and Joe Brady in my suicide note. But same thing as meg scoring potenital is there.
10. Smith N'Chiggle My Balls, 0-1 (Donby)
Aubrey in the 7th, never forget.
11. Assistant Shadow Comissioner, 0-1 (Ronby)
A heap of bad luck to start week 1 but fuck you Mr. Back to Back Champ.
12. Dolly Parton's Final Glizzy Tour, 0-1 (Trev)
Did Dobby curse him by sneaking a game day dawg into his pocket?!
Idk what circle of hell fantasy football is but glad to be back burning with the boys. The race to avoid dogs is well and truly on, and think we have a contingency plan so we can make it a boys weekend and we dont spend the whole summer fucking around trying to figure things out (Donbiously). Weeks 2-4 will start to separate the men from the possible glizzy gobblers looking forward to seeing your fantasy teams implode and watching the Giants win the nfc east. Fuck you all and as always (as of last season), I hate it here (Vol.1).
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