22/23 Week 1 Recap
Martin's Sweat Box- Trev (124.3) v Fuck You Cammarn Vol. 2- Kamesh (118.72)
First game, first win for Trev over the Kameshionner. He was honestly texting me furious during the early slate only for the pain to be transferred to me. I had double digit points from most of my team, but my top three picks in the draft (Henry, Allen, and Andrews) couldn't put up double digits. It might've been okay if Trev didn't have absolutely monster games from Quonny and Jefferson during the second slate. I'll take a giants win week one as my team is strong enough on paper to survive, but will Trevor (who openly admits he knows nothing) ride Saquon and Jefferson all the way to the chip? That would be fucking hilarious.
Losing Season, Drinking Reason- Gordo (120.16) v Team Coughlin- Megan (115.4)
This one almost got spicy on Monday night when the Jew decided to show up for the first time in like two seasons. 20.2 couldn't save Meg at the end of the day though. Gordo had a good showing all around from his team, and was powered by 20 burgers by Herbie and JTay. Meg had good points with Wilson and Swift but the rest of his team wasn't consistent enough to help him sneak out a win. But look out, with the high scoring game Meg had, a loss shouldn't break him but his WRs need to show up. Gordo's team looks to be a contender right off the bat this season, which we all should know means he'll probably flame out in the playoffs (see Camm and Payton).
Murray goes to Hollywood- PayPay (123.32) v Return of the Fupa Party- Marty (71.86)
Marty should change his team name already cause the Fupa party does not look its making a triumphant return. On paper Payton's team kinda looked like dogshit, but his receivers and Kyler put up enough points to make up for the rest of his team (like the goose egg from Kmet.) Not that it mattered cause CMC and Vonny (hate that you call him that) are the only ones who put up double digits for Marty. His team looked okay on paper to open the season, but he has been hit with the injury bug already so we'll see if he can make it out of the hole. And curious to see if Payton's stars can keep providing for him.
Snake Island Sepentines- Jake (138.86) v Dawson's Zeke- Schmi (103.08)
Snakely was the highest scorer of the week, getting over 20 from like half of his fucking team. Defenses and kickers are more valuable in that league, a fact that Jake showed he knows all too well with almost 30 from the bills defense. Combined with his receivers and CEH balling Jake looks like he can make a real statement this year. Ira had some good showings on his team like 32 and change from Josh Allen, but the rest of his team looks like they might need a couple of weeks to wake up. Don't think Ira will be back at the baseball game but he needs some of his big names to step up.
Sean Paul's Naughty Shawtys- Camm (113.32) v Brother Decotis Lives- Tuna (91.0)
Tuna change your goddamn name I don't want to think of Decotis every time I look at our league. What seemed like the shitshow of the week actually turned out okay, thanks to Mahomie giving Tuna almost half of his points. Not much faith can be had when your team puts up 3 goose eggs and 1 from your tight end (im taking away Aker's Seminole card). Camm and Burrow both showed a lack of consistency, but just like that ridiculous game, there was still a glimmer of hope somehow. But Camm thrived where Burrow failed, getting big games from his receivers to power him to the win.
Non-Fungible team- Rob (122.72) v Orchids of Asia-Schmaus (63.1)
Big fucking oof for Schmaus. Jaylen and Deebo did fine, but holy hell did the rest of his team throw down a stinker. Like seriously they were all dogshit I don't want to type out all of his players name. They were bad. Big bad. But on the other hand, Robby's team was very consistent sand Hockensen and freak Tee Higgins injury, grabbing double digits from all of his main players. Not much else to say about this one boys, Schmaus should be ashamed of his team.
POWER RANKINGS
All new ranking for you boys to bitch about, I'm also going to be discussing the pre-draft grades for each team in relation to their rankings.
1. Losing Season, Drinking Reason- Gordo (ESPN RANK:1)
Hate that I have to agree with ESPN on this one, but Gordo's team is stacked. He has players that can pop off huge games, and the rest of his team looks like they could be good for a tuddy on any given week. He will definitely be carried by his stars mostly, but when you have the #1 QB and RB based on ADP (Herbert and JTay), he should be looking to stay on the top part of the rankings week to week.
2. Snake Island Serpentines-Jake (ESPN RANK: 8)
Whoa nelly this team look great on paper, which is why I hate ESPN rankings. Even with a low ranking post-draft, Jake snapped up the top slot in the standings with the highest scoring team in week 1. His top 2 WRs are nasty and if his running backs can keep up and Brady's age doesn't show, he should be eyeing a playoff spot from the gun.
3. Non-Fungible Team-Robby (ER: 9)
Another low rank by ESPN that doesn't really make sense. Receiver consistency questions aside, the rest of ROb's team looks lethal. Especially his running backs (scared of Dillon's legs like actually), all 3 look good for double digits week to week. If his receivers start getting more usage, i'm gonna be scared of more than AJ's quads.
4. Martins Sweat Box-Trev (ER:11)
QB aside, Trev's team looks very good. But the scary thing is his stars. Like Justin Jefferson looks like the second coming of Randy Moss and Barkley is back (love it). With how important they are to both their offenses, I see both players dominating week in-week out. There might be consistency questions for the rest of his team but with his big boys, the sky is the limit.
5. Fuck You Cammarn Vol. 2- Mesh (ER:4)
Hi, Hello, Howdy, first 0-1 team on the rankings so call me corrupt and let me taste your tears. My team looks dirty, but I need them to perform. As mentioned earlier, my top 3 draft picks were my lowest scorers, so wishful thinking suggests i should be fine if the rest of my team keeps on keeping on. But with Keenan Allen out with injury I might need to make adjustments to stay on the top end of the rankings next week.
6. Team Coughlin-Megan (ER:7)
MEGAAAAAAN. His team does not look amazing on paper, but he looked like he knew what he was doing week 1 (starting the Jew almost pulled it out for him). There are injury questions for him, but his team looks like they can have a chance if they keep catching tuddys at this rate. But he looks like he needs to replace half his bench with the waiver wire already so jury's still out.
7. Sean Paul's Naughty Shawtys- Camm (ER:6)
Camm sneaked a win week 1 but I feel like half of that had to do with Tuna having a terrible week. The main question for him is running backs and whether his receivers can score touchdowns every game. In the era we play fantasy in now, good Qb's are worth their weight in gold, and Camm might have to make a switch at the position already.
8. Murray goes to Hollywood -Payton (ER: 12)
Lol he's gonna be mad at this one. Even with a win week 1, I agree with ESPN somewhat in the low ranking for Payton. Chase will go off every single week, no doubt, but the rest of his team is very suspect. Both his running backs might lose their jobs and he is literally waiting for an injury to Dalvin (his words) to make a statement in the league. Better hope for more early wins cause you'll definitely need them.
9. Dawson's Zeke- Ira (ER:3)
Ira put up a solid showing but it wasn't enough to eke(eler) out a win week 1. He has a decent team, but it seems dependent on his stars showing up, which made it hard to watch Ekeler and Ceedee for Ira I bet. Still a chance for him, but with a lowly bench he's gonna need to make some smart additions to keep his starting roster relevant.
10. Brother Decotis Lives-Tuna (ER:2)
Welcome to the bottom of the barrel folks. Any of the bottom 3 could've taken the lowest rank but I chose Tuna for this slot because of the strength of his stars. Sure, he might've thrown up a new record in goose eggs this week but was still competing for a while. Mahomes, Kupp, and Cheetah will keep putting up points, so if he can play the waivers and get his bench involved, I can see him crawling to the sunlight.
11. Orchids of Asia- Schmuas (ER:10)
ESPN saw it. Lowest score this week and I'll be honest there does not look like alot of hope with reel taking targets away from Waddle. If this was 2 years ago, every one of his 'stars' would be lighting it up for him. Unfortunately though, it looks like the fire might've gone out for a majority of the names on his team.
12. Return of the Fupa Party- Marty (ER: 5)
Some return, Marty has to sit in the corner of the dumpster this week. Not only does his team look very unthreatening sans Kyle Pitts (who absolutely does not have that dawg in him), he also had 2 of his biggest players hit IR at the same time the panthers finally decide to curb CMC's workload. And he drafted someone who got shot in preseason. Dark days ahead for the Marty he is the only one still partying with his fupa.
As of now, our punishment is still 9/9 at a baseball game and I hope we can make it a thing next year (i'll even fly in) but thank you Ira for accepting your punishment. It's the start of another long season my sons, who knows whats ahead. Anyone except Marty seems to have a chance of winning, can't wait for waivers to become a living hellhole like it does every season. Kinda wanna make a losers trophy they have to display in their house so let me know what y'all think about that (in addition to the punishment cause we're real men). But excited to cuck all of you this season, love you all, fuck you all, and as always (and most importantly), Fuck You Cammarn (Vol.2).
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