23/24 Week 1 Recap
P.S. Will trade y'all any of my players if one of you decides you want to play O-line for the Giants. Please. Danny Crimes cant run for his life all season. And also we suck.
Without further adieu, lets find out how we all did against our forever week 1 rivals this season.
Fuck You Cammarn Vol.2 (95.88) v Martins Sweat Box (77.34)
I feel like me and Trevor usually have a barn-burner of a first game, but this one was pathetic on both sides for the most part. Both Burrow and Allen were complete ass week 1, and most of the rest of our teams followed suit (goose egg by Goedert makes me hate the Eagles even more and Trevor's position players didn't deliver him a single tuddy). But one person delivered a dub for me this week, and that was Tyreek with 41 points as the top scorer week 1. Even if the rest of my team continues their weak ass play, I might have a chance due to Cheetah on any given week.
Losing Season, Drinking Reason (114.12) v Losers Bracket Champ (72.74)
I dont think anyone is under the impression that Meg is good at fantasy football, because why in gods name would you start Swift. But the goose egg from Tee Higgins is as unlucky as one could get (on 8 fucking targets). But it wouldn't have mattered, with a strong showing from Gordo week 1. Not an entire team effort with Herbie fully choded and Pollard doing most of the work, but he knows the rules well, getting close to 20 from both his defense and kicker. Megs second-highest scorer was his kicker with 14 points so not much else to say other than I'd rather eat 9 hot dogs than go through the season with his team.
Brian Kelly's Fupa (91.52) v 3 Kids 1 Nut (88.28)
We got our dumpster fire of the week boys! Most of us knew that Kupp shouldn't be drafted as high as he was but Payton doesn't listen to advice other than ESPN's shitty trade evaluator. He was given a life-line with Kelce being out for Marty but it didn't matter in the end. Payton's highest scorer was his kicker with 15 points but still somehow had a chance against the Fupa party of one. But the absurdity of week 1 worked out in his favor, with the punt return winner for the jets carrying him to victory. But the matchup itself was like two convicts fighting with plastic lightsabers, aiming for the kill but without any kind of actual weapons to do so. Looks like the fantasy gods took pity on Marty this week, prolly because of all the shitty trade offers created by his opponent.
OceanGate's Deepwater Gaurdians (137.64) v Dawson's Zeke (88.56)
First off what the fuck is Jacksons name (who is also illiterate cause he can't spell Guardians right, too much time spent in Bahrain prolly) and what the fuck is Ira's team? Being granted the first overall pick for the umpteenth time is not working out in his favor, with his team outside of JJeff looking mighty weak (Etienne cant be trusted to produce tuddy's week to week). But doesnt make a difference in the slightest when you go up against the highest scoring team of the week. The TE situation as a whole in the NFL is woefully underwhelming, but Jackson got double digits from most everyone else on his team, if the trend continues then he should be the team to beat all season. On paper Ira's team doesn't look terrible, but if he finds himself in a close game it always gonna come down to how Jefferson does.
The CrabRace Tragedy of 2023 (118.46) v Brother Decotis Lives (88.1)
Well this was an interesting one, with Camm almost waving the white flag after Sky Moore's game on Thursday. But this is fantasy football and noone can predict what will happen, especially after what Camms team looked like points-wise after the first slate. But then it hit 4pm EST and all his players decided they wanted to do something, the fantasy gods continuing to listen to Camm's prayers (but only in the regular season). Big games on Monday night for his receivers and the Cowboys D literally massacring the Giants (and my mental health) Sunday night led him to victory but it would be wrong to blame Tuna's team. Week 1 sluggishness aside, he needs touchdowns from his stars to have any chance of rolling up the hill this season.
2019 All-Pros (105.94) v Non-Fungible Team (103.24)
The closest matchup of the week that wasn't decided by a defense at the last second. Schmaus had big games from Mahomes, McCaffrey and Mike Evans (which might never happen again) to take him home this week from a formidable team drafted by Rob. While his team was more consistent as a whole, he wasn't able to get huge numbers from anyone on Sunday, with Trevy LawLaw ending up as his highest scorer. This matchup could've swung either way, but late performances from Dalvin and Ceedee eventually took Schmaus over the line. Close matchup, but both managers can be frustrated with how their teams performed on week 1.
POWER RANKINGS
Ah yes, we are well and truly back. This is week 1 and rankings will change a lot at the beginning so fuck off and fuck you kindly when y'all disagree. Like week 1's in the past, I will be creating my own power rankings but will refer to ESPN's bullshit post-draft rankings as well:
1. OceanGate's Deepwater Gaurdians (Snake Snackson) (ESPN POST DRAFT RANK-11)
If George Kittle is the worst person on your team week 1, you're doing something right. Jackson has solid position player core with Ekeler and RIdley leading the way. And the way Tua looked this week, if he can stay healthy he could be fantasy QB1 this year. After a strong regular season last year, can he back up all his shittalk about us champions living in the past? Prolly not, get your name on the trophy nerd.
2. Losing Season, Drinking Reason (Gordonemoi) (ESPN-3)
Gordo played the fantasy equivalent of the Giants on Sunday night but still put up a ton of points. While his WR2 looks a little dicey rn, he has a good roster of bonafide players that can be counted on to put up touchdowns such as Saquon, Pollard, and Metcalf among others. If Herbert makes the jump we all expect him to in dominance this season, Gordo will be hard to stop.
3. Fuck You Cammarn Vol.2 (Your Father) (ESPN-2)
I have Tyreek Hill who is looking like the absolute stud he always is and my Detroit Lions gamble should pay off as long as the lions stay good. Burrow should bounce back and I have an apparent star in Zay Flowers still chilling on my bench so the future looks bright for me right now. Which is good cause I've been kind of ass in this league since my championship. As long as Goedert catches a fucking pass sometime this season.
4. 2019 All-Pros (DeadSchmau5) (ESPN-4)
Schmaus isnt kidding with his team name, a couple of the guys on his roster look like their best days are behind them. And that isn't necessarily Dalvin or Evans fault their quarterback just sucks. This team looks somewhat washed. So why is Schmaus ranked this high? Because no matter if his other players shake out, Mahomes and McCaffrey should be absolutely balling every single week.
5. Non-Fungible Team (Roberto) (ESPN-12)
I'll never understand why Robby always gambles with Pitts in the draft but hell the rest of his team looks damn good. Yung Blud Bijan looks like a guaranteed tuddy each week, adn the rest of his team is filled out with talented studs such as THE SUN GOD, Nico Collins and Jahan Dotson. If the Jags end up doing anything this year, I could also see Trevy LawLaw earning a top-5 QB ranking at the end of the season.
6. Brother Decotis Lives (Tunechi) (ESPN-1)
There are definite powerhouses on this team with Hurts, Josh Jacobs and Davante, but the rest of this team looks somewhat inconsistent from week to week. It's all dependent on names that look lavish still commanding the same role in their respective offenses with Deebo and Pacheco. While Tuna has players that are more dependent on particular game scripts than others, his top players are top players. But the scary thing is he has to hope the Raiders ball out, which is HUGE wish to be fulfilled week in- week out (cause the Raiders suck).
7. The CrabRace Tragedy of 2023 (Spellcheck) (ESPN-10)
Oh Camm's gonna be mad. This ranking would be higher if Aaron Jones could be trusted, but after a stellar game he fucks up his hammy, which has lightened his workload in season past. If he can't count on them, his best players need to show up for him to stand any chance. And those best players are Stefon Diggs and the Dallas Defense. So Camm better pray that the tragedy of the Crabrace doesn't extend itself to his team. Fuck the cowboys.
8. Martin's Sweat Box (Buggaboo) (ESPN-5)
This was a hard one to rank cause I look at this team and I honestly like it. But even with Chase having an off-week, I don't know who can be counted on to deliver touchdowns other than Josh Allen's legs. Outside of Allen and Jamaar, all of his other players are very boom or bust based on how the offenses of their teams are performing. Winning or losing by a lot can very easily spell doom for alot of Trev's players chances on any given week. Hopefully his smart waiver-pick ups this week can continue to produce and earn bigger roles for the mid-season push.
9. Dawson's Zeke (Schmi) (ESPN-7)
Ira has Justin Jefferson. And he should thabk his lucky stars cause the rest of his team looks jacked or old. Etienne aside, Deshaun cant throw anymore, Najee cant run when teams know Pittsburgh can't pass, and the rest of his team are looking at the best nursing home situation. There is a definite path where I can see Ira pulling off a playoff berth, crazier things have happened in fantasy. But it's not looking hot.
10. Brian Kelly's Fupa (Martinez) (ESPN-9)
It's not a party anymore, its just Marty and Brian Kelly hanging out in a room together. Weird. Marty got a prayer answered to get a win this week, but it's hard to see where alot of the scoring is going to come from this season. Dak is now benched cause his defense doesn't trust him and decided to do it all themselves, which is also going to negatively affect his best receiver Ceedee Lamb. Devonta Smith and Kelce are fine players, but can they carry the rest of his team for the rest of the season? His Fupa party with Anthony Richardson depends on it (fuck the gaytors).
11. 3 Kids 1 Nut (Ringo) (ESPN-6)
I've gotten three horrible trade request so far, how about everyone else? He has Nick Chubb and apparently had Aiyuk on the bench. But his aging stars are both injured (Kupp and Andrews) and the rest of his team doesn't look fit to deliver high scoring games like Payton's team have in the past. I figure he's been sending more trades out since we noticed his team is a nursing home, but can they turn back the clock and relocate their bones to bring Payton to the playoffs? If someone accidentally hits accept on the trade maybe. (If that happens I can veto it dw, I know none of us are mentally ill enough to accept the horseshit trades he sends out).
12. Losers Bracket Champ (Lol The Hotdog King) (ESPN-8)
Don't even know what to say, I have no faith in Meg, but hey maybe he can do just well enough to get 11th this year? Who knows. I can say with confidence that he has the chance to rise out of the dumpster if he's first on the waivers every week this year. But I've been wrong many times before, we're officially on #HotDawgWatch2k23.
Another year gone and another year started, we're all old as fuck now. Which is why it's good to have a league like this to stay connected while we deal with real life (and children, yikes). I'd like to do something for the losers bracket this year, like the winner of that gets to choose destination for punishment this year, if its close to the beginning of the season we can all even draft together like actual friends (don't forget we all paid to be friends) but we'll leave that to the planned mid-season summit where we can discuss rule changes, etc. for the next season so we're not all arguing and scrambling in the days leading up to the draft. Excited for another season of fantasy with DA BOIZ. Love you all, fuck you all, and as always Fuck you Cammarn (Vol.2).
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